Endurance for the Playground
So, as to not cause worry among all my readers, I will post another blog to let you know I'm still alive.
Yes, my last post was far too depressing and sappy for my taste. Gag me with a spoon!
So, I will continue.
My last blog made me sound weak. And I don't like that. Why is it that we (women) let men get to us in that way? One minute we're unstoppable, independent, and confident; the next we're cowering in the corner, rocking back and forth in the fetal position. I don't think its acceptable.
I won't deny that I'm depressed. Who wouldn't be in my situation? But I won't let it defeat me.
In recent days I've realized how much music and movies can influence our perception of love. On Sunday night some boys were intrigued by our fascination with Jane Austen, and decided to take a look. What they found was shocking, to them and to me.
Girls like to be treated like crap. It happens in Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Persuasion, and countless others. The man treats the woman poorly, and they hate each other, but at the same time there's
something erotic about it. In the end they all come together and live happily ever after. Its enough to make you vomit. Maybe its our grade-school version of love. He pulls your hair, you hit him, then he chases you around the playground until he finally catches you and TA DA!! You're now a couple!
If only it were that easy now.
I don't want a guy that treats me like crap, looking back I allowed 6'4 guy to treat me
abominably ill and it makes me angry. He was dishonest and secretive, and I let him get away with it. I'm such a sucker. I'm sick of it. And I don't think any girl should take that kind of treatment. I can't believe that I took that kind of treatment. I guess it goes to show what happens to a girl when she falls in love.
But, hey! I'm back on the market. Or in the market. Or whatever it is.
So send some nice guys my way, I promise to kick them in the shins.
Breath in and out, one day at a time
Things have been hell these past few months. 6'4 guy ran out West to slay dragons and I was left behind with only a memory. But I had hope.
But things have changed. And what I thought was hell is nothing compared to what I'm going through now. I understand now why people want to just curl up in bed and die.
Yes, I guess you could say I'm depressed. Here's how it happened:
I went out to see 6'4 guy. I flew all the way out there, and I was upset at him. But the moment I saw him all that anger melted away and I just wanted to be with him. He made everything better. But I could tell there was something he wasn't telling me.
I've known for awhile he's been holding out on me. I know he's been struggling with something, but wouldn't share. He wouldn't communicate. He sucks at using the phone.
So I drag it out of him. And I can't say I didn't expect it. But at the same time, I wasn't ready to hear it. His past came up and bit me in the ass. I can't give specifics because its not my place to tell, but his revelation changed everything. Except the way I feel about him.
The moment he was truly honest with me was the moment I loved him most. And never had I wanted to marry him more.
Unfortunately, we're not at that place. We're taking time apart. He's leaving on a service mission for 5 months and is encouraging me to date. And I gave him his ring back. I've grown awful attached to that little band of gold. I miss it. I miss what it symbolizes, I miss the potential it gave me, I miss what it meant to me.
And now I'm just suppose to date.
Date?! Are you kidding me!?! How am I suppose to date when the
mear thought of another guy makes me physically ill? When I imagine another man grabbing my hand I shutter. The thought of kissing another man makes me cry out in pain.
He thinks I've taken it all well. But in reality I'm
devistated. I've sobbed for the past 5 days. I've lost 10 pounds in 5 days. I don't want to live without him.
I don't know what's worse... the hope of him coming back to me in a number of months (because it is a possibility), or just giving up on that hope and moving on. Both are painful. I don't know where to go from here. Do I move on and forget about him or do I save a spot in my heart for him?
I guess what makes it that much more difficult when we love each other and just can't be together. And because he loves me, he wants me to try to move on without him, no matter how hard that is on him.
Yes, I know it sounds like a line. But I'm confident its not. So he loves me. I know he does. For so long I thought that this relationship had come too easily for him. He didn't suffer, he didn't sacrifice. But after talking with his family, I now understand.
He's more than I ever hoped he could be.
But I need to try to move on. I can't hold my breath. I have to choke down the bile that's in my throat and just continue. Just endure. Breath in and out. Drag myself out of bed. And keep going. He wants me to be happy, so I need to try.
Maybe not today. Or tomorrow. But someday.
In the meantime, I'm doing better. I showered. I got dressed. I went to work. That's better than I did yesterday and the day before that. As long as I keep progressing, everything will be okay.
And everything will be okay. Eventually. I just need time.
And I wouldn't mind losing another 5 pounds. (If I'm depressed I might as well get some
weightloss out of it! Word.)
Drama, drama, drama
As of late, I've noticed that all of my friends are slacking in the blogging department. Is this because they're so busy, or because they have nothing to say? Being that they're friends with me, I'm going to guess the first.
If there is anything I'm known for its drama. Drama drama drama! I don't mean to be such a drama queen but I'm a magnet for drama. I can't dodge it, try as I might!
As for my life, it has continued. I quit my last job for one that is more fulfilling. And fun. And the people are nicer. And the building is great. And my desk is big. And my boss is awesome. And the paycheck is bigger. Yes, that is key.
You're jealous aren't you?
Hm… what else has been going on?
I bought a new car. A brand new car! Poor Molly (my '96 Toyota Camry) has been carted off to be sold to some cruel and heartless teenager that will surely abuse her. So sad. I miss her.
But now there's Lola. (Yes, I name my cars). Lola is beautiful. Very pretty. And slightly cocky. Her strut is that of a high end prostitute. She's got the regular features one would expect of a car, but I had her upgraded. Yes, she's already had some work done. So now when she struts down the street, she can know that she's got the heart of leather and looks great with her top down.
As interested as you may be in my car buying expeditions, they're over. Hence, I don't find them nearly as amusing now as I use to. Car salesmen are the worst. I don't like them at all. In the end I opted for the saleswoman. And I loved her. I still do actually. So, if you need to get a car, I have the gal for you!
Shall we dive into my love life?
Only if we must. Yes, the boyfriend proposed. He did. In April. Have I given him an answer yet? Um….. no. You might think that I'm torturing the poor boy but that is NOT the case. If anything it is the other way around.
And yes, the boyfriend is 6'4 guy. Or as I've been calling him lately: Big Jerkface.
Okay, maybe that was a little harsh.
Here's the drama (I know you've been dying to hear it all):
To recap, 6'4 proposed in mid-April after only 2 months of dating (un-exclusive dating on my part). From henceforth, I have dated him, and only him. I'm trying this whole "monogamy" thing. I would have to say, it's very trying. He met the fam. It all seemed to be going well. Except that I didn't know if I wanted to marry him. He was kind and giving and attentive and affectionate. And it was good.
But then the family turned. From what I have heard, they told him he couldn't support me. He had no money. So he set out to seek his fortune in the great state of Oregon (although I'm starting to doubt of its greatness… no offense to Oregonites out there. Or are they called Oregonians?)
That was 2 1/2 months ago. When he left originally, it was with a promise that he'd be back in 3 short weeks. And then he got offered a short term position that he just couldn't turn down. And that's when he added another 3 months on to that. Doesn't seem fair, does it?
So, what I don't get is that when he left, he left with the promise he'd be coming back. He has yet to do that. And now he's saying he's not sure he is coming back to D.C.
I can't be surprised. He doesn't have a job here. He doesn't have anywhere to live. The problem is he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life!!
I was all about supporting him in whatever he chose to do, but GOODNESS SAKE! He needs to figure out a career and get started.
Now here's the part where I get upset. So, he tells me he's out in Oregon, working 2 jobs, he's exhausted, and he doesn't have time to call. I try to be understanding.
But then he doesn't call for 5 days!!!
And then I find out that he's been taking time off. How in the world do you take time off from a temporary job?! Its all beyond me.
So, the kicker is this…. He says he's in Oregon because of me, but the only reason he'd come back to DC is because of me. How can he be in two places at once BECAUSE OF ME?!
Boys are dumb.
My frustrations have been mounting for 2 1/2 months now. You can figure that in that 2 1/2 months, I've maybe spoken to him twice a week. I can only recall one or two conversations that were an hour. Most are 5 minute conversations. How am I supposed to sustain a relationship on that?!
Yes, I'm a bit frustrated… because boys suck.
So, he sucks at long distance relationships, he hates the phone… oh, and he totally screwed up my birthday. What did I get? Nada. Nothing. Zilch! I finally got some flowers over 2 weeks late! And then there's me. I'm bound and determined that if this relationship doesn't work out, its not because of anything I did or didn't do. I'm putting everything into this so I can live without regret. I just can't stand to hear my mother say, "If only you had _________ it would've worked out".
Not this time. I'm covering my bases. I'm not smothering him, but I'm being loving and giving. I'm sending him care packages almost every week. I call him no more than once a day, if I call at all. I am practicing a whole lotta restraint.
Well, now I'm headed out to Oregon in about a week. I get to meet his whole family and see what happens. When I spoke to 6'4 ever-so-briefly yesterday, he sounded monotone, whereas his mother sounded estatic. Shouldn't he be excited to see me after almost 3 months apart?!
Guys are stupid.
So, I'm throwing a large wad of cash at the airline just so I can get peace of mind. I could go out there and it could be wonderful. Or not. I'm prepared for either. If only he'd take the ring back. Ugh.
Drama, drama, drama.
