Single in Stilettos

Breath in and out, one day at a time

Things have been hell these past few months. 6'4 guy ran out West to slay dragons and I was left behind with only a memory. But I had hope.

But things have changed. And what I thought was hell is nothing compared to what I'm going through now. I understand now why people want to just curl up in bed and die.

Yes, I guess you could say I'm depressed. Here's how it happened:

I went out to see 6'4 guy. I flew all the way out there, and I was upset at him. But the moment I saw him all that anger melted away and I just wanted to be with him. He made everything better. But I could tell there was something he wasn't telling me.

I've known for awhile he's been holding out on me. I know he's been struggling with something, but wouldn't share. He wouldn't communicate. He sucks at using the phone.

So I drag it out of him. And I can't say I didn't expect it. But at the same time, I wasn't ready to hear it. His past came up and bit me in the ass. I can't give specifics because its not my place to tell, but his revelation changed everything. Except the way I feel about him.

The moment he was truly honest with me was the moment I loved him most. And never had I wanted to marry him more.

Unfortunately, we're not at that place. We're taking time apart. He's leaving on a service mission for 5 months and is encouraging me to date. And I gave him his ring back. I've grown awful attached to that little band of gold. I miss it. I miss what it symbolizes, I miss the potential it gave me, I miss what it meant to me.

And now I'm just suppose to date.

Date?! Are you kidding me!?! How am I suppose to date when the mear thought of another guy makes me physically ill? When I imagine another man grabbing my hand I shutter. The thought of kissing another man makes me cry out in pain.

He thinks I've taken it all well. But in reality I'm devistated. I've sobbed for the past 5 days. I've lost 10 pounds in 5 days. I don't want to live without him.

I don't know what's worse... the hope of him coming back to me in a number of months (because it is a possibility), or just giving up on that hope and moving on. Both are painful. I don't know where to go from here. Do I move on and forget about him or do I save a spot in my heart for him?

I guess what makes it that much more difficult when we love each other and just can't be together. And because he loves me, he wants me to try to move on without him, no matter how hard that is on him.

Yes, I know it sounds like a line. But I'm confident its not. So he loves me. I know he does. For so long I thought that this relationship had come too easily for him. He didn't suffer, he didn't sacrifice. But after talking with his family, I now understand.

He's more than I ever hoped he could be.

But I need to try to move on. I can't hold my breath. I have to choke down the bile that's in my throat and just continue. Just endure. Breath in and out. Drag myself out of bed. And keep going. He wants me to be happy, so I need to try.

Maybe not today. Or tomorrow. But someday.

In the meantime, I'm doing better. I showered. I got dressed. I went to work. That's better than I did yesterday and the day before that. As long as I keep progressing, everything will be okay.

And everything will be okay. Eventually. I just need time.

And I wouldn't mind losing another 5 pounds. (If I'm depressed I might as well get some weightloss out of it! Word.)

posted by Me @ 10:03 AM