Single in Stilettos

He returns... dangit!

My first love. Oh, how I loved him. I was 21 and I just adored him. He was my first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first love.

We broke up after about 8 months, but we have remained friends throughout the years. Last time I heard from him was a few days before his wedding over a year ago. He just called because he was in NYC and he was reminded that the last time he was there, he was with me. My heart skipped a beat. I knew my chance with him had passed. He got married and I hadn't heard from him since.

Until yesterday.

I got the following email (he sent it to 5 other people besides me):

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to let you all know that I have accepted a job at ************High School in ********, Virginia. It's about ** miles from Washington DC. I will be teaching 6 periods of TV Productions 1 and 2. It seems like this will be a very good school to work for. They flew me out there and put me up in a hotel for my interview, and they offered to start me at step 5 of their pay scale. (I'm just hoping the generosity continues.)

*Wife and I are very excited. We will be moving at the end of July. (With luck, wife* will have finished everything for her Master's degree in Humanities by then.)

Here is our new address:

WAY TO CLOSE TO ME, VA
(no phone number yet)

We expect to be at this apartment for at least a year and possibly more.

Thank you all for all you've done for me. Our time at BYU has been great, and it will be strange to leave, but we are very excited to be starting a new adventure in Virginia. Our baby boy will be coming the end of September, so of course we are very excited about that, too. Hope all is well with everyone.

C

I guess I should be flattered that he still thinks of me. But it hurts at the same time. Its not easy to watch him continue on with his life without me, and actually be happy!

HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!!?!

No one could possibly be happy without me in their life, right? Especially not him. I still remember our last conversation. He said he was excited to get married and he thanked me. He said I had forever changed him for the better and he'd never be where he was without me. He said I brought out the best in him and helped him become the man he should be. Then he put in the bitter comment, "Although I'll never be good enough for you."

It might not sound bitter to you, but I could hear in his tone of voice that this was not meant as a compliment.

Was I meant to be with him? Was it me that screwed it up? Sadly, these are the questions that have been running through my head for years.

Yes, I loved him. And perhaps I still do. But I do wish for him to be utterly happy. Even it is without me.

*name changed... obviously.


**UPDATE: My sister sent out an email this morning saying she's coming home. Her mother-in-law is coming as well. I'll be down with my brother-in-law all day Saturday and probably part of Sunday until my sister gets back in town. When I talked to him yesterday, he just said he didn't want to be alone right now, so I said I'd come down for a visit. I have a feeling the next week is going to be a l-o-n-g one.

posted by Me @ 9:58 AM