Single in Stilettos

Who knew a corpse could walk?

Is it wrong to look for a new job while acting as though you are happy in your current one? Well, that's what I'm doing. My resume is out making its rounds and will hopefully result in an interview. Anywhere. but. here. 99% of my job is sitting around and doing absolutely nothing. Yeah, I know some people might think that this is the perfect job for that reason; however, not me. Do you know how slowly the day goes by when there's nothing to do? I mean, I obviously have a computer... but surfing the net is only amusing for so long. Yeah, so all-in-all, I'm bored.

I love Thursdays. Every Thursday night I have a bunch of girls over for Movie Night. Its a tradition we came up with months ago. Nothing but girls and chick flicks. The theory behind the whole thing is that we're trying to get the chick flicks out of the way before the weekend so we can actually go out on dates (which we don't... but the idea is there). Last night I had a record showing of 14 girls! That's quite a crowd for my little townhouse. We were watching Bride and Prejudice, a funny movie based on Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. I LOVED IT! It was SO funny. I highly recommend it. So throughout the movie we all were on the edge of our seats, waiting for the big kiss.... and it never came. (Sorry to ruin the movie for you). As it turns out, the main actress in the movie is a traditional Indian and doesn't believe in kissing before marriage. Yeah, I feel like a skank!

Okay, I'm not a skank, just so you know. I've kissed two guys. That's not a lot. I guess you could say I was picky, except for the second guy.... he was horrible. He's the perfect example of who NOT to go out with when you are desperate. He's the type that takes advantage of the situation. It was fun for awhile but ended worse than.... than.... anything I've ever experienced. What it came down to was 1) he was REALLY looking for marriage and I wasn't, 2)he was insensitive and judgemental, 3)he had no self confidence, 4)he was socially awkward, and 5)he was a HUGE dork that turned out to be a jerk as well. He was my attempt to break the mold.

My mom told me when I was young to date the nerds because they'll adore you, they'll never cheat on you, and they'll be plenty wealthy. I had never tried it before I dated The Corpse. Yes, I loving refer to him as The Corpse. You might think this is a little harsh, but its not.

The Corpse and I met at church. I was new in the area and hadn't been on a date in almost 2 years (don't mock me!). He ended up coming by to visit me one night and we talked for an hour or so. He was intrigued by me since I was a music major, and he was a fabulous pianist. He had the ultimate boring but secure job of an accountant. He seemed smart, he had a Masters Degree, he was easy to talk to, I wasn't intimidated by him, so I accepted a date with him. In my favorite show, Sex in the City, they would refer to him as "good on paper"... which is very true. And you know what they say about good on paper? Bad in bed. Not that I would know, I just know that the kissing wasn't great. However, I was starved for affection, and he was dishing it out, so I took it, not knowing my own feelings for him. Turns out, I didn't like him that much. It made the breaking up process that much easier, right? Yeah, no.

I knew I had to break up with him when he brought up the "M" word. He was concered about a few of our differences, namely, he said he couldn't see himself with a girl whose mother was divorced (I could've punched him) and he didn't know where I stood in my faith (I wanted to kill him). I set him straight, which he found endearing (I hate it when guys think you're cute when you're angry). He said he was going to do some real "soul searching" about our relationship and he'd get back to me in a few days. I stormed into my house SO ANGRY. I cried, I yelled, I punched pillows. In the end I realized that he didn't have all the power in this "relationship," (personally, I think that term is a little strong for what we had... I was making out with him, he was trying to marry me. Not exactly equal.) Yeah, so the next day I asked him to come over and I told him that we were in two very different places in our lives, it just wouldn't work. You know the drill.

Now, the average guy would've just taken this, said okay, and left. Not The Corpse. He cried. Sobbed actually. It was sadly pathetic. However, being that I try to be a nice person, I comforted him which he took as "nevermind, I take it back"... I guess this means I have no spine whatsoever. Yeah, so we got back together after he promised to do a lot of changing. We went out that weekend and had a good time. He asked to see me on Sunday, so I said okay. Yeah, well Sunday came and things were bad. Awkward bad. At the end of the evening he takes me to the side and says, "I've been thinking about what you said, and you're right. We should just be friends." And that was that. I said "Sure!" probably a little too enthusiastically and left. A nice clean break. Until he asked me out again about 2 months later. I broke down and went out with him only to have to horrible evening of trying to fend him off. Also, that night he put me through the "wife interview". He asked about my finances (none of your business), where I wanted to live after marriage (none of your business), how many children I wanted (none if they're yours), and where I saw myself in 5 years (not barefoot and pregnant standing in your kitchen, thats for sure). He made all the smooth moves he could come up with and I was able to dodge them all. I spoke to him two days later and told him the "just friends" thing is where we were staying.

Months later, he was attempting to date one of my new friends. I didn't speak badly of him since I believe that he needs to have a chance. (I honestly believe that if I told girls all I know of him, NO ONE would go out with him... I'm not that cruel. We need to get rid of him in the dating pool... he has to marry someone and leave the rest of us alone.) So, The Corpse and I were polite to eachother since we had mutual friends and bumped into eachother frequently at social gatherings. One night I went to my new friends house (The Corpse wasn't there) and a bunch of us were swamping breakup horror stories. I obviously had to talk about my breakup but I didn't use his name. I had a good time and went home happy as a clam. Well, just minutes after I arrived at home, The Corpse calls me. He says that he doesn't appreciate me talking badly about him and that if I don't stop he was going hurt me like no one had hurt me before. Not his exact words, but the threat was sincere. I freaked out. I was so scared. He called back minutes later to apologize and I was an emotional wreck! I was sobbing and shaking all over and couldn't manage to control my emotions. When I was finally able to speak I told him to go to hell and never talk to me again. And it worked. He never has spoken to me again. That night I did something that might be though of as odd, but I found it very therapeutic. I wrote an obituary for him. And now forever after he will be known as The Corpse.

My friends and I still bump into The Corpse on occassion, but we ignore him and the only thing we say is "its so weird to see a walking corpse." Yeah, there is no life after me. At least not for him. My friends are loyal, so he's been officially black listed. No more dates for him from anyone I know. I love it.

*I actually am a nice person. I just refuse to put up with mean people.

posted by Me @ 10:50 AM